Coping with Toddler and Pregnancy

During Pregnancy

Any child who's enjoyed the undivided attention of both parents for any length of time, say 12 mths or longer, will suffer what child psychologists call dethronement when a new baby arrives. This is not simply having to take second place with mum and dad nor putting up with less attention than before. It's about feeling displaced and rejected. Nearly alll toddlers suffer a deep sense of loss of parental love when a new sibling arrives. It's not surprising that their psychological disturbance shows in their behaviour.

To a small child, the arrival of a new baby topples him from pride of place, from being first in his mother's considerations, from being the apple of her eye, and the focus of her love, nurture, and attention. A child feels this displacement very dramatically and of course respond as only a small child knows how by using all the tactics at his disposal to regain his parents' love and attention.

The result can be "regression", which is a toddler's reversion to earlier, happier times when he couldn't feed himself perhaps, or when he wet and soiled his nappies, or when before he had learned to talk. Though this appears to adults like some sort of rebellion, a toddler can't help this kind of behaviour. So it would be absolutely wrong for you or your partner to chastise or punish him for it. In fact, the opposite iss essential-extra special time alone with mum and dad, extra special loving care, plenty of rewards, praise and lots of pysical affection with games, kisses, cuddles, lots of jokes and laughter.

Involving your older child in the pregnancy
You should be honest with your child from the outset. Tell him that a new baby is on the way and he's going to have a brother or sister. You might even ask him what his favourite names are. Make a list, put them up in the kitchen, and talk about them from time to time.

You should encourage your child to put his hand on your tummy as it gets bigger to feel the baby kicking. You could also tell him that your baby loves the sound of his voice and that he should talk to her through your tummy. If possible, he should sing to her songs and nursery rhymes through your tummy. This, incidentally, isn't all hot air. Your development baby does remember the voices of those around her and will bond with them after birth. So she will respond instantly on hearing her brother's or sister's voice once she's born, if she's heard it constantly during your pregnancy.

You could help your child to understand what's going on inside you by drawing together what's happening in your tummy mth by mth from pictures in some of the pregnancy book on large sheets of papers so that it's all very clear. Point out how the baby is developing then put the drawings round the wall at a height that your toddler can see and relate to. You can then make up stories about each stage of the new baby's development with remarks like, " Now your new baby's heart is beating, now your new baby can move his hands and legs and we can feel him kicking, now your new baby can suck her thumb, now your new baby is getting ready to be born. etc."

Try to encourage your toddler to take ownership of his new sister by using the word "your", as in "your baby", "your new sister". If you do, very soon he'ss develope a sense of propriety, of ownership, adn of a desire to take care of his new sister. He may think use of the words "our new baby" excludes him and makes him feel frozen out.

Your toddler will feel involved if you ask him to help with the preparations of his sister's nursery - helping to make up the cot, set out equipment, or even suggest that he try the baby bath first, with words like"Wouldn't you like to see what the baby bath feels like vefore your sister use it?" All toddlers like to help and love to intimate your actions. So give your toddler small jobs to do and be very appreciative of all his efforts. You can shoe him all the new baby's tiny clothes and encourage him to feel special by saying how much bigger he is and how much he's grown since he needed them.



After The Birth

If you're going to be in hospital for several days try to arrange for your child to visit you and the baby as soon as possible after the delivery.

When your toddler visits, have eyes only for him. Ideally, the baby should be asleep in the bedside cot. Make a fuss of your toddler until he asks about the new baby. Only then show him his sister, but not paying too much attention to her. Make his visit short so that you can attend to your baby once he's gone.

Bringing the baby home
Try to help your toddler to feel secure and bond with the new baby.

- When you greet him, make sure someone else holds the baby so that you are free to cuddle him.

- For the first few minutes give him all your attention.

- Give your child a present from the new baby, something that he has really been looking forward to.

- In the first few weeks set aside some times when the two of you can be together without any interruptions.

Involve your child in the new baby's bathtimes, changing, and feeding times. Get him to fetch and carry and intimate your loving sounds with lots of ahhs and ooohs and words like "softly", "gently". Describe everything that your new baby is doing so that he can get to know her and relate to her.

- A newborn baby has a well-developed grasp reflex. Put one of your child's fingers into her hand - she''ll grasp on to it very tightly and he'll interpret this as love from his newborn sister.